5 STEPS ON HOW TO MANAGE YOUR TRIGGERS
5 STEPS ON HOW TO MANAGE YOUR TRIGGERS Your partner says something to you; someone doesn’t do what you expect at work; you read an email, see something on social media or hear a song. Suddenly, a button has been pushed, and you are overcome by intense emotion. You were okay a moment earlier, but suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, you are angry, upset, irritable, and irrational. You feel out of control and lash out in unproductive and unhelpful ways, sometimes even damaging to you and the people around you. You have been triggered! Triggers are events that tend to instantly elicit an intense emotional reaction, often out of proportion to the event itself. After some time passes and we are calm, we may look back and regret what we said and how we acted in this state of high reactivity. What is Triggering? Our ability to think clearly and act rationally is seriously impaired when triggered. Most of the time, our neo-cortex, the reasoning part of our brain, monitors our reactions. When triggered, the amygdala hijacks this part of the brain, which regulates the fight/flight response. When danger is sensed, our body releases stress-related hormones increasing our heart rate and blood pressure to give us extra energy, allowing us to attack or flee. While these responses are beneficial in life-threatening situations, they cause problems in our everyday life. These systems cannot distinguish between emotional threats to our ego and actual threats to our safety. When we get triggered by something someone says or does, our body reacts as if our life was being threatened. Our triggers are very personal to us. What triggers one person may not trigger someone else at all. Past experiences inform our current triggers. Our brain organizes and stores memory into networks associated with emotional events. Our triggers elicit reactions that seem out of proportion with the incident because the stored memories come flooding in. When we are triggered, we react uncontrollably with either “fight,” getting defensive, arguing our point, or getting angry; or we move towards “flight” and shut down. Although there are plenty of valid reasons to be upset about the external circumstance presented to us, the intensity of our reaction is often not about this isolated event. It’s about similar experiences in the past, perhaps even in childhood. You don’t have to be at the mercy of your triggers. Learn what your emotional hot buttons are and learn to work through them. Practice these five steps to manage your triggers effectively. How to Manage Your Triggers Step1. Know Your Triggers Initial reaction (top layer): I feel defensive and try to prove he is wrong by attacking him “maybe if you did things right, I wouldn’t have to complain all the time.” 2nd layer A wave of explosive anger boiling inside me “how can he say that to me”? 3rd layer: Fear and anxiety. “What if he is right? What if I’m doing something wrong? Maybe I ask for too much.” “What if he leaves me”? 4th layer: “Maybe there is something wrong with me; I’m just not good enough.” 5th layer: “This is how I felt as a child; nothing I did was good enough. I felt like I had no right to ask for anything or show that I was upset because if I did, my dad would yell, and my mom would break down. I was afraid they would leave.” Core: “If I speak up and complain, Sam will leave me, and I’ll be alone. I’m unlovable.” Step 2. Name it Step 3. Step back and yourself space
7 Ways To Make Your Postpartum Mental Health a Priority
For most new parents, the first several days after having a baby can feel like an emotional roller coaster ride. Exhilarating moments of happiness and joy amidst sharing adorable photos and holding your baby for the first time are undoubtedly some of life’s most precious and memorable moments. But many new parents also experience intense worry, irritability, sadness, anger, overwhelm, and fatigue. These “baby blues” usually peak in the first two to five days after birth, and for most women resolves within the first two weeks after birth as hormone levels return to normal. It is important to recognize these emotions, practice self-care and seek help if needed. There are a variety of resources available to support postpartum mental health, such as therapy and coaching, support groups, and online resources. Here are 7 steps to make your postpartum mental health a priority, so you can ensure that you and your baby have a healthy and happy start to your journey together. 1. Prepare and Plan Develop a plan to help you and your partner think and prepare for labor and delivery, the birth experience, and the postpartum period with knowledge, informed choice, feelings of control, and comfort. What and how many support people do I want present during my labor? How about during delivery? What may be some outside triggers that might cause me distress? (i.e., too many people, noise, overstimulation) What are my fears about labor and delivery? What are some strategies to overcome those fears? (comfort from certain people, breathing techniques, music, visualizations, symbolic objects or aromas, etc.) What will I want immediately after delivery? (people present, holding the baby, feeding the baby, comfort from partner) How do I feel about breastfeeding? (breastfeed on demand, on schedule, pumping and bottle feeding, formula feeding) How much sleep do I need to function? Where will the baby sleep? (in our room, separate room) Who will care for the baby at night? (mom, partner, family member, nurse) How will I feel about my family or partner’s family being around the baby? (how many visitors in the first few days? How long should visits be?) What support system do I have in place after the baby comes? What kind of support is essential for me to receive from my partner? What are some expectations my partner has of me as a mother? 2. Address sleep hygiene Try to sleep when the baby sleeps Go to sleep as soon as you are sleepy instead of putting it off and forcing yourself to stay awake Avoid caffeine, alcohol, and nicotine in the hours before bedtime Warm bath/shower, pre-bedtime ritual Eat a small protein snack before bedtime Create a dark, comfortable, and peaceful environment, avoiding electronics Ask partner/family members in waking/shifts 3. Nutrition and meal planning A majority of f women are malnourished during the postnatal period. Adequate nutrition is critical to the well-being of both you and your baby Plan meals ahead of time Leave snacks and water next to the nursing area Ask friends and family to drop off food Utilize food delivery services 4. Exercise and alone time Get your body moving. Even a 10 min. walk will get your endorphins going. Try postnatal yoga or Pilates Take some time out to do things outside of being a mom. Get out in nature, get a massage, or meet up with friends. 5. Consider and clarify roles and responsibilities. Who will be responsible for: Changing diapers Bottle feeding Burping baby Soothing baby Taking the baby on walks Preparing meals or take out Laundry Pet care House-cleaning Grocery shopping Paying bills 6. Ease the pressure of high expectations on yourself Many first-time parents have high expectations of themselves, such as “I won’t need anyone; I can do this alone,” “I don’t need a break; my baby’s needs are more important than mine,” or “being a mother is instinctual and natural, I’ll know what to do.” Let go of some of the pressure and ask friends and family for help. Be aware of your needs, limits, and boundaries and communicate them to the people around you offering support. 7. Get educated on the signs and symptoms of Postpartum mood disorders 1 in every 5 women and 1 in 10 men experience postpartum depression or anxiety. Know what to look for. If the baby blues last longer than two weeks or get in the way of daily functioning, it may be a symptom of something more serious. Fortunately, postpartum mental health conditions are treatable with professional help and the proper support Tell someone. (Partner, family, friends) Get screened. (Regular screenings by OBGYN and Pediatricians reduce the prevalence and duration of postpartum mood disorders) Seek help from a qualified professional Be open to various treatment options (medication, therapy, support groups) If you are struggling with your postpartum mental health, contact our office to get the help you need. Whether you want coaching sessions to help you navigate the challenges of becoming a new parent, therapy for dealing with all the challenges the perinatal period can present, or you require intensive treatment for a Perinatal Mood Disorder, we can help. At Illuminated Path Therapy and Coaching Center, we are qualified and well-trained in Perinatal Mental Health Issues and can help you in each stage of your journey to parenthood.
7 Steps on How to Decide and Move Forward
BY: SHADI SOUFERIAN, PSY.D. Sometimes we find ourselves at a crossroads, forced to make life-altering decisions, torn between two equally good or bad choices. Should I have a child or not? Should I make a career change or stay where I am? Should I stay with my partner or end all I have invested in? Sleepless nights, agonizing uncertainty, infinite what-if scenarios, and endless lists of pros and cons fill your days and nights. A part of you wants to stay; a part of you wants to go. A part of you fears change; a part of you longs for change. This inner war between the many parts of us and constant second-guessing of our choices leaves us getting sucked into a vortex of self-doubt. Making a decision seems impossible, yet, not making a decision leaves you stuck in misery. There is a level of ambivalence and uncertainty running through all things at all times in life. We experience ambivalence when we simultaneously have two opposing feelings toward an individual, situation, or object. Although it is essential not to make a big decision impulsively in a moment of heightened distress, effectively making decisions shapes the quality of our lives. Ultimately, we need to accept that every choice, including putting off choosing in pursuit of making the “right” decision, will have drawbacks, trade-offs., and limitations. Although it can be tempting to take the easier, less fearful path and not make a decision, avoiding a decision is, in fact, a decision. In fact, procrastination is not refusing to decide, rather, it is the active decision to remain undecided. Here are 7 strategies to help you make a difficult decision and move forward. 1. Write it down Attempting to do everything in your head results in an endless rumination loop. Writing things down can organize your thoughts and help you focus. Pay attention to the particular words you use. The words you choose will reveal your intentions. List the potential outcomes where you will take that option and estimate the likelihood of each of those outcomes happening. You may not be able to predict the future, but you can think in terms of probability. 2. Identify the parts of yourself that want different things Our inner conflict can be so overwhelming that we lose connection to our core selves. You may call it your intuition, inner mentor, higher self, or inner wisdom. Your true self is the courageous, confident, and compassionate essence of who you are. We end up struggling against the different parts of ourselves, caught in an endless loop of frustration. Sometimes it can be helpful to notice and make space for this ambivalence. Identify the different parts of you that might want other things. Some of those parts are trying to protect us from repeating experiences that may have harmed us in the past. The problem is that what protected us in childhood may have developed into maladaptive patterns that stand in the way of our happiness as adults. For example, you may have had an experience in the past that left you feeling rejected. To protect yourself from the pain of rejection, you developed an extreme role of keeping people at a distance to avoid the feeling of unworthiness in the future. While this ensured survival during childhood, it doesn’t seem to allow true intimacy in adulthood. Decision-making as an adult involves deliberation and collaboration between the different parts of ourselves. Becoming aware of the many parts of ourselves and where they are rooted helps us distinguish whether the coping mechanism, we developed in the past serves us or has become a destructive pattern in our lives today. Acknowledging your own competing desires will help you access your competent core self so that you can think through the decision with clarity. 3. Create distance from the decision As the saying goes, “you can’t see the forest for the trees” This means that it is difficult to see situations as they are while we are in the midst of them. We lose our perspective when we are too heavily invested in a particular situation, unable to see the big picture because we are too focused on the details of the problems. Sometimes we need a birds-eye view to help us see things for what they are. Creating psychological distance provides a sense of perspective that can be helpful in decision-making. How will you feel about today’s decision in 10 days? 10 months? 10 years? Imagine reflecting from your deathbed on the same decision; what would be your regrets? 4. Identify your fears and limiting Beliefs The root of most inner conflict around decision-making is fear of failure, of repeating past mistakes, of loss, of being alone, and even of success. Identify the false, misleading, limiting, or second-hand beliefs causing the internal conflict within you? What is driving this particular decision? Write down your choices on a page, and next to it, ask, “Why?” For example, you might want to keep your job but also dream of being a writer. Relentlessly asking why may help you discover that you believe writing is not a career and quitting makes you a failure, and you’ve adopted this belief from things your father would tell you as a child. Move away from what you’re “supposed” to do and move towards what you want. 5. Get clear on your outcome, and the consequences What are the results you want? How do you imagine you will feel? Know your reasons. What are the pros and cons of each option? What are the consequences of each option? What is the emotional benefit or result if each option comes to fruition? What are the probabilities of each outcome (on a scale of 0-100%)? 6. Recognize your values Our values are the things that we believe are most important in the way our life is. They are usually the things that measure your quality of life. Your values can also change depending on your stage of life. Review your list’s pros and cons, and then assign every list entry a number
5 Ways To Choose Your Own Path and Move Forward
BY: SHADI SOUFERIAN PSY.D. Life can unfold in ways we never imagined. Whether it was the relationship that would bring happiness and last forever, the career that would make you successful, the family you always wanted to create, or the promises you made to yourself about who you would never become. Maybe you have set goals that you do not seem to be reaching, or you are consumed by anxiety and unable to make decisions. Or perhaps you have achieved the relationship, family, and career yet still feel empty inside. Somehow, the life you envisioned and planned suddenly takes a detour. You suddenly find yourself lost, stuck on a path you cannot recognize, feeling defeated, alone, and afraid. Moving forward from this place seems overwhelmingly difficult. We may not be able to control the circumstances, but we can heal and become open to the possibilities of a greater future, reconstructing our lives and finding a new path. The journey toward creating a meaningful and fulfilling life begins with accepting the reality of the path we are currently on and envisioning a new way of living. Then we can begin to overcome the obstacles standing in our way, set boundaries to prevent repeating the same patterns, and take action to get on the path we want. To take action on beginning this journey of transformation, we must dismantle the fear that keeps us stuck. You’ve likely experienced pain, anger, and perhaps trauma that has caused you to try to protect yourself. This protection is a natural fear response. And from this fear response, you may have developed unhealthy patterns that have become destructive. Fear is the emotion that drives the impermissible feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, and the feeling that we are unlovable. These emotions are so overwhelming that we can spend our whole lives running from them. We will do anything to numb these emotions. Use drugs, alcohol, sex, overeat and undereat, jump from one unfulfilling relationship to another, overwork, lie, cheat, and ultimately self-destruct. These thoughts and behaviors form a neurocircuitry in your brain and become hard-wired. Fear becomes a maladaptive lifestyle. Unfortunately, running from our fear only keeps it alive. We think we are running from our pain but remain stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle of defeat and frustration. Freedom from fear is possible. You can shift those self-destructive patterns and reconstruct a new path for living a happy life. Finding a new path 1. Acknowledge and Accept where you are Take a moment to reflect on the following questions: 2. Overcoming Limiting Beliefs 3. Setting Boundaries 4. Taking action 5. Seek help when needed