BY: SHADI SOUFERIAN, PSY.D.

Sometimes we find ourselves at a crossroads, forced to make life-altering decisions, torn between two equally good or bad choices. Should I have a child or not? Should I make a career change or stay where I am?  Should I stay with my partner or end all I have invested in? Sleepless nights, agonizing uncertainty, infinite what-if scenarios, and endless lists of pros and cons fill your days and nights.

A part of you wants to stay; a part of you wants to go. A part of you fears change; a part of you longs for change. This inner war between the many parts of us and constant second-guessing of our choices leaves us getting sucked into a vortex of self-doubt. Making a decision seems impossible, yet, not making a decision leaves you stuck in misery. 

 

 

There is a level of ambivalence and uncertainty running through all things at all times in life. We experience ambivalence when we simultaneously have two opposing feelings toward an individual, situation, or object. 

Although it is essential not to make a big decision impulsively in a moment of heightened distress, effectively making decisions shapes the quality of our lives. Ultimately, we need to accept that every choice, including putting off choosing in pursuit of making the “right” decision, will have drawbacks, trade-offs., and limitations. 

Although it can be tempting to take the easier, less fearful path and not make a decision, avoiding a decision is, in fact, a decision. In fact, procrastination is not refusing to decide, rather, it is the active decision to remain undecided.  Here are 7 strategies to help you make a difficult decision and move forward.

1. Write it down

Attempting to do everything in your head results in an endless rumination loop. Writing things down can organize your thoughts and help you focus. Pay attention to the particular words you use. The words you choose will reveal your intentions. List the potential outcomes where you will take that option and estimate the likelihood of each of those outcomes happening. You may not be able to predict the future, but you can think in terms of probability. 

2. Identify the parts of yourself that want different things

Our inner conflict can be so overwhelming that we lose connection to our core selves. You may call it your intuition, inner mentor, higher self, or inner wisdom. Your true self is the courageous, confident, and compassionate essence of who you are. We end up struggling against the different parts of ourselves, caught in an endless loop of frustration. Sometimes it can be helpful to notice and make space for this ambivalence. Identify the different parts of you that might want other things. 

Some of those parts are trying to protect us from repeating experiences that may have harmed us in the past. The problem is that what protected us in childhood may have developed into maladaptive patterns that stand in the way of our happiness as adults. For example, you may have had an experience in the past that left you feeling rejected. To protect yourself from the pain of rejection, you developed an extreme role of keeping people at a distance to avoid the feeling of unworthiness in the future. While this ensured survival during childhood, it doesn’t seem to allow true intimacy in adulthood. 

Decision-making as an adult involves deliberation and collaboration between the different parts of ourselves. Becoming aware of the many parts of ourselves and where they are rooted helps us distinguish whether the coping mechanism, we developed in the past serves us or has become a destructive pattern in our lives today. Acknowledging your own competing desires will help you access your competent core self so that you can think through the decision with clarity.  

 

3. Create distance from the decision

As the saying goes, “you can’t see the forest for the trees” This means that it is difficult to see situations as they are while we are in the midst of them. We lose our perspective when we are too heavily invested in a particular situation, unable to see the big picture because we are too focused on the details of the problems. Sometimes we need a birds-eye view to help us see things for what they are. 

Creating psychological distance provides a sense of perspective that can be helpful in decision-making.

• • How will you feel about today’s decision in 10 days? 10 months? 10 years? 

• • Imagine reflecting from your deathbed on the same decision; what would be your regrets?

 

4. Identify your fears and limiting Beliefs

The root of most inner conflict around decision-making is fear of failure, of repeating past mistakes, of loss, of being alone, and even of success. Identify the false, misleading, limiting, or second-hand beliefs causing the internal conflict within you? What is driving this particular decision? Write down your choices on a page, and next to it, ask, “Why?” For example, you might want to keep your job but also dream of being a writer. Relentlessly asking why may help you discover that you believe writing is not a career and quitting makes you a failure, and you’ve adopted this belief from things your father would tell you as a child.

• • Move away from what you’re “supposed” to do and move towards what you want.  

 

5. Get clear on your outcome, and the consequences  

What are the results you want? How do you imagine you will feel?  Know your reasons. 

• • What are the pros and cons of each option? 

• • What are the consequences of each option? What is the emotional benefit or result if each option comes to fruition? 

• • What are the probabilities of each outcome (on a scale of 0-100%)?

 

6. Recognize your values

Our values are the things that we believe are most important in the way our life is. They are usually the things that measure your quality of life. Your values can also change depending on your stage of life. 

• • Review your list’s pros and cons, and then assign every list entry a number from 0 to 1 based on your personal values. For example, in deciding whether to say in your current location or move to the country of your dreams, you would list the pros and cons of each choice. Then, if being closer to your family is a “pro” and its value is significant to you, you might score it at 9. 

 

7. Move toward growth

Most decisions are motivated toward the ultimate goal of fulfillment rather than a pervasive sense of emptiness. Which decision makes you feel like you are stepping towards growth? Which feels like you are stepping back into safety?

You must realize that even when you think you’ve made the wrong decision, you’ve learned a valuable lesson that will help move you forward and make the needed changes.

This perspective may help us see each life choice as an opportunity for growth. Growth is not a linear process. We often move through the stages in an upward spiral. 

In making difficult decisions, know that you are doing the best you can with your current information. Try to adopt a deep belief in yourself that allows you to push forward, knowing that no matter what happens, you can handle it. 

Sometimes it helps to discuss these steps with a qualified therapist or life coach, at Illuminated Path Therapy and Coaching Center, we are here to help. We offer both in-person and virtual appointments to help you make difficult decisions and move forward with your life.