BY: SHADI SOUFERIAN PSY.D.

Life can unfold in ways we never imagined. Whether it was the relationship that would bring happiness and last forever, the career that would make you successful, the family you always wanted to create, or the promises you made to yourself about who you would never become. Maybe you have set goals that you do not seem to be reaching, or you are consumed by anxiety and unable to make decisions.

Or perhaps you have achieved the relationship, family, and career yet still feel empty inside. Somehow, the life you envisioned and planned suddenly takes a detour. You suddenly find yourself lost, stuck on a path you cannot recognize, feeling defeated, alone, and afraid. Moving forward from this place seems overwhelmingly difficult. We may not be able to control the circumstances, but we can heal and become open to the possibilities of a greater future, reconstructing our lives and finding a new path.

 

The journey toward creating a meaningful and fulfilling life begins with accepting the reality of the path we are currently on and envisioning a new way of living. Then we can begin to overcome the obstacles standing in our way, set boundaries to prevent repeating the same patterns, and take action to get on the path we want. To take action on beginning this journey of transformation, we must dismantle the fear that keeps us stuck.

You’ve likely experienced pain, anger, and perhaps trauma that has caused you to try to protect yourself. This protection is a natural fear response. And from this fear response, you may have developed unhealthy patterns that have become destructive.

Fear is the emotion that drives the impermissible feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, and the feeling that we are unlovable.

These emotions are so overwhelming that we can spend our whole lives running from them. We will do anything to numb these emotions. Use drugs, alcohol, sex, overeat and undereat, jump from one unfulfilling relationship to another, overwork, lie, cheat, and ultimately self-destruct.

These thoughts and behaviors form a neurocircuitry in your brain and become hard-wired. Fear becomes a maladaptive lifestyle. Unfortunately, running from our fear only keeps it alive. We think we are running from our pain but remain stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle of defeat and frustration. Freedom from fear is possible. You can shift those self-destructive patterns and reconstruct a new path for living a happy life.

Finding a new path

1. Acknowledge and Accept where you are

• The first step towards finding the path you want is to accept where you currently are. When we can acknowledge the reality of our lives and honor the coping mechanisms we used to survive, we can tap into the part of ourselves that is confident, resilient, and capable. Most of us did the best we could at that time. This knowing builds confidence in our inner selves and helps break the cycle of repeated negative patterns.
•  Acceptance means we acknowledge and understand the truth as much as we can. We must accept the reality of our emotions, our past, our pain, our strengths, our families, humanity, the actions of other people, and the situations often out of our control. It is having full awareness of the reality of our experience. Accepting who you are, and who others are and how to integrate these truths into your life is the first step in finding out what makes you feel happy, passionate, and fulfilled. Acceptance can help you find your purpose and envision what kind of life you want to create.

Take a moment to reflect on the following questions:

• When do I feel alive?
• When do I enjoy myself so much that I lose track of time?
• When was the last time I experienced true joy and inner happiness within myself?
• Where did things start to shift from this happiness?
• What can I do to bring more alignment of my dreams into my life?
• What is it that I truly want from this life? How can I get it?
• What am I good at? What are my hobbies?
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2. Overcoming Limiting Beliefs

• Limiting beliefs are the stories we tell ourselves about who we are that prevent us from reaching our full potential. These patterns are often beliefs we are unaware of locked in our subconscious mind. Some examples are, feeling like you are not enough (not good-looking, rich, intelligent, thin, strong, enough), not deserving of (success, love, and happiness), and not having time or resources (too busy, not knowing the right people). We sabotage our success with these beliefs. The next time you make an excuse, ask yourself: Is this true? Or is it a limiting belief?

3. Setting Boundaries

• Boundaries are the parameters we put in place to communicate our limits around time, energy, and space. These are the guidelines on how we allow others to treat us. Boundaries include not saying yes to things I do not want to avoid feelings of guilt or not getting approval. Boundaries inform us and others about what we need to have healthy relationships. A lack of clear boundaries leaves us resentful, unappreciated, burnt out, and like we are being taken advantage of.

4. Taking action

• Action steps tell your inner self that “you can” and “you will” because you matter. Over time, these action steps create quiet confidence by showing that you are worth the money, time, and energy.
• Allow yourself to practice making decisions and realize that this decision is just for right now. You can choose to revisit this decision again in the future. If you do not have the opportunity to choose again, trust that you did the best you could, that it was appropriate at the time, and that you will learn from your experience. Be proactive and step out of your comfort zone. Taking small risks you know you can handle will reinforce your confidence, and you will learn to trust the process.

5. Seek help when needed

• If you cannot change unhealthy patterns, consider consulting a professional to help you figure out why you are stuck. Therapy and coaching are great tools to guide you on your healing journey to create the life you want. Professional support as you work to change maladaptive patterns can be very helpful. Sometimes asking for help can be the most hopeful and powerful step you can take to find your illuminated path. Call us for a free consultation now.